A long journey into grief
A grieving long journey
розділ 2 · chapter 2
«Among my people – Hungarians and Mexicans – it is customary to tell stories while going about daily
activities. What life is and what it teaches – these questions that come from the very depths of the heart
are most often answered with a story or several at once. Fairy tales are like friends or relatives to us.
Just as one invites a friend to join a conversation, one story leads to another, that one to a third, and
sometimes a fourth, a fifth, and another, and another, until the answer to the question becomes as long as
an entire epic.»
— Clarissa Pinkola Estés, "The Faithful Gardener"
«Let your heart break, And let a story appear...»
— Pema Chödrön
“Among my people – Hungarians and Mexicans – there is a tradition of telling stories performing daily
activities. What life is and what it teaches us – these questions that come from the very depth of the heart
are often answered with a story or several stories at once. Fairy tales are like friends or relatives to us.
Just like a friend is invited to join a conversation, one story evokes another story, and then the third and
sometimes the fourth and the fifth one, more and more until the answer to the question becomes many stories
long.”
— Clarissa Pinkola Estes, “A Faithful Gardener”
розділ 3 · chapter 3
Today, I simply want to tell you a few stories that happened to me, to us, to my clients who agreed to let me share them over almost 20 months of war. Of course, these stories are connected, but sometimes that connection is not so easy to see. As in the epigraph, one story leads to another. And another, and another. I hope that stories will also arise in your minds and that you will have the opportunity to tell them today, or write them to us later.
Today, I just want to tell you a few stories that happened to me, to us, to my clients, who
gave me their permission to share the stories, during almost 20 months of war. Of course these stories
are interconnected, but sometimes it’s not so easy to see this connection. Like in the epigraph, one
story evokes another story, and then another, and another. I hope that some stories will also come to
your mind, and you will have an opportunity to tell them today or send to us later.
розділ 4 · chapter 4
We live on a fault line. Our transcendent function is as strained as never before. And one of the things that helps us cope is our ability to amplify or symbolize. Listening to and telling stories helps us, helps me in the process of self-regulation.
We live on a fault line. Our transcendental function is tense as never before. And one of
the things that help to cope is our ability to amplify or symbolize. Listening and telling stories helps
us, helps me in the process of self-regulation.
розділ 5 · chapter 5
In a situation of such tension, we really need to feel that we have a choice and to see that choice. It helps restore a sense of self-worth and significance, and to reconnect with our own Self. Stories help us feel this choice and reconnect with ourselves. These different stories help different parts of us in the process of self- and co-regulation. Which in turn helps us feel that choice and restore connection. Telling and listening to stories allows us to meet the Other within ourselves. It soothes or inspires, thus facilitating self-regulation and co-regulation with the Other. And this is a process very familiar to all of us, because usually clients tell us stories, and we, in turn, try to hear them.
In the situation of such tension we really need to feel that we have a choice, and to see
this choice. It’ll help bring back the sense self-value and significance, and renew the connection to
one’s Self. Stories help us feel this choice and renew the connection to ourselves… These different
stories help different us in the process of self- and co-regulation. And in turn, this helps us feel the
choice and renew the connection. Telling and listening to stories helps us meet the Other inside
ourselves. It soothes or inspires, this way facilitating self-regulation and co-regulation with the
Other. And this is the process that we all know quite well, because usually clients are telling us
stories and we, in our turn, are trying to hear them.
розділ 6 · chapter 6
When I was in Germany in the summer of 2022, experiencing the loss of Home and the death of my mother which happened while I was away, I was offered to participate in translating an article by Verena Kast. Of course, I could not have imagined that a year and a half later I would have the opportunity to co-lead a seminar.
When I was in Germany in the summer of 2022 and I was experiencing the loss of Home and the
death of my mother that happened when I was away, I was offered to participate in the translation of
Verena Kast's article. Naturally, I couldn't even imagine that a year and a half later I'd have an
opportunity to lead a seminar together.
розділ 7 · chapter 7
Working on the article greatly helped me in my own grieving process. At that time, I was in a deep depression from which I couldn't find a way out, perhaps precisely because my relational Self was quite developed, unlike my own Self, contact with which had weakened. Understanding this helped me make certain decisions that I still consider important in my life. It was the desire to restore this connection with my own Self that inspired me to volunteer to participate in the project “With Ukrainian Jungians”.
Working on the article helped me in my own grieving process. At that moment I was deeply
depressed and I couldn't find a way out of it, and maybe the reason was that my relational Self was
quite developed, unlike my individual Self, the contact with which became weaker. Understanding this
helped me to make certain decisions that I still consider to be important in my life. It was this desire
to restore the connection to my own Self that inspired me to agree to participate in the project “With
Ukrainian Jungians”.
розділ 8 · chapter 8
Thanks to the initiative of the ARAS Center for the Study of Symbols, regarding the possibility of sharing images, images began to appear in my mind one after another – images that emerged during the war in the collective field. Such a simple, very Jungian, and truly genius idea – if words are lacking, images come to the rescue. I think they are well known to most Ukrainians. These particular images that I encountered on the warfront, which became for me symbols of farewell and grieving for my past carefree life and fantasies of immortality, are associated in my mind with loss and grieving. And today I want to share my grief with you and hope that you too will have the opportunity: to share your grief with me, with all of us, because we are together.
Due to the initiative of the Archive for Research in Archetypal Symbolism (ARAS) concerning
the possibility to share symbols – immediately images began to come to my mind one after another; these
images appeared during the war in the collective field. Such a simple, very Jungian and really genius
idea – if you lack words, the images will come to your aid. I think that the majority of Ukrainians know
them quite well. These particular images that I came across on the terrain of war and that became the
symbols of farewell and grieving for my past carefree life, for fantasies of immortality are associated
with loss and grieving for me. And today I want to share my grief with you and hope that you will also
have the opportunity to share your grief with me, with all of us, because we are together.
розділ 9 · chapter 9
Once, while studying group analysis in Austria, there was a woman, a group analyst from Germany, who became a symbolic mother to me. She liked to wear various shawls. After that, I also began to enjoy wearing shawls. And I have many of them. When I fled the war to Germany, I left everything at home and of course couldn't take care of them later in the spring. Many of them were eaten by moths. Almost all my favorites. When I returned and discovered this, I was very upset. I mended or concealed some holes, but couldn't everywhere. And I continue to wear some shawls with these holes. It's as if continuing to live with losses.
When I was studying group analysis in Austria there was a woman, a group analyst from
Germany, who became a symbolic mother to me. She liked wearing different shawls. After that I also began
to enjoy wearing shawls. I have quite a lot of them. When I escaped from the war to Germany, I left
everything at home, and in the spring I wasn’t able to take care of the shawls and many of them were
eaten by moth. Almost all of my favourite ones. When I came back and discovered it I was very upset.
Some of the holes I mended or hid, but I couldn’t do it everywhere. I continue wearing some of the
shawls with these holes. It is like one continues living with losses.
розділ 10 · chapter 10
The same holes as in my shawls remain in a person's Soul after the trauma of grieving. When a person falls into such empty places, they kind of die, like the kitten in the child's bed from the story my client shared with me. The kitten that was left home alone and died in the crib from sadness and loneliness. At the beginning of the war, we heard many stories of people refusing to leave without their pets. But sometimes it also happened that people fled their homes in panic and left animals behind for various reasons. It's actually hard to imagine a real cat lying down and dying of grief. But we can imagine that's how a person might feel when abandoned. This image is associated in my mind with feelings of abandonment, loneliness, betrayal, and the grief of lost hope.
The same holes like in my shawls remain in the Soul of a person after the trauma of
grieving. When someone gets into such empty places, it is akin to dying, like the cat in the crib from
the story that my client shared with me. The cat that was left home alone and died in the child’s crib
from sadness and loneliness. At the beginning of the war we heard a lot of stories when people refused
to leave without their pets. But sometimes it happened that people left in panic and for various reasons
didn’t take their pets with them. It was told to me as a true story, but the picture I found on internet
was a drawing. Because it is really hard to imagine a real cat who would lie down and die of sorrow. But
we can imagine that a human being could feel like that being abandoned. This particular image is
associated for me with feelings of abandonment, loneliness, betrayal and grief caused by the loss of
hope.
розділ 11 · chapter 11
But this story can also be a symbol of separation and the loss of childhood innocence, a parting with the infantile belief that our parents will always come to help us, pick us up, and save us. I must say that at the beginning of the war, I too was waiting for someone to come and save us. Someone strong and good. And when I realized that no one would come, I left Ukraine. I did return later, but that's another story.
And at the same time it can be the symbol of separation and of the loss of childhood
innocence; renunciation of the infantile faith that our parents will always be there for us, that they
will hold us and save us. I have to say that at the beginning of the war I was also waiting for somebody
to come and save us. Somebody strong and kind. And when I realized that nobody would come, I left
Ukraine. Later on I did come back, but it’s already a different story.
розділ 12 · chapter 12
Or if a person's Soul does survive, it suffers greatly, like the dog Krym from Dnipro. This is a true story that happened on the night of September 28-29, 2022, when a Russian missile struck a house in Dnipro, killing an entire family: mother, grandmother, and two children – a boy and a girl. Rescuers found only a dog named Krym, who was whining on the ashes and refused to move. He alone survived and cried with grief. This dog became a symbol of grieving and loss for many, including me. Rescuers discovered the dog had heart failure. He was treated, but he nonetheless died of grief.
Or when the Soul of a Person survives after all, it suffers a lot, like the Dog Krym from
Dnipro. This is a true story that happened in the night from September 28 to September 29 in 2022 when a
Russian missile struck a residential building in Dnipro and the whole family was killed: the mother,
grandmother and two children: a boy and a girl. The rescue team found only the dog named Krym who was
howling on top of the ruins and didn’t want to leave. He was the only one who survived and was crying
with grief. For me and many others this dog became the symbol of grieving and loss. The rescuers
discovered that the dog had heart failure. He was treated but he nevertheless died of grief.
розділ 13 · chapter 13
But hope always remains that a person's Soul will later be reborn, like the Phoenix bird from the story of the cat later named Phoenix. This cat is from the completely destroyed and burned village of Avdiivka in the Kyiv region. The cat was severely injured – it had burns on its body, singed fur and whiskers. But thanks to the care of the Pethouse store team, it survived, its wounds healed, and it continued to live. But it will never forget what happened and will never be the same as before. Like the Phoenix bird, it rose from the ashes and was reborn: burnt, disfigured, but not broken.
But the whole time the hope remains that the Soul of the person will rise again like the
bird Phoenix from the story about the cat who was later named Phoenix. This is the cat from Avdiivka
town in Kyiv region that was destroyed and burned to the ground. The cat was considerably injured: had
burns on the body, his fur and whiskers were burnt. But thanks to the care of the Pethouse shop staff he
survived, his wounds healed and he continued living, but he will never forget what happened and he will
never be the way he used to be. He, like the bird Phoenix, rose from the ashes and returned to life,
burnt, injured but not defeated.
розділ 14 · chapter 14
How are you, kitchen cupboard?
Hanging in there.
Hanging in there.
розділ 15 · chapter 15
The call-and-response is familiar to all Ukrainians. From the very beginning of the full-scale war in Ukraine, we started every conversation with the question: “How are you?” And more often than not, we heard in reply: “Hanging in there.” And a little later, this image of the Kitchen Cupboard appeared, which survived the bombing in a destroyed building in the village of Borodianka.
All Ukrainians know this call and response. From the very beginning of the full scale war
in Ukraine we started every communication with the question: “How are you?” and more often we heard in
response: “Hanging in there”. And a little later this image of the Kitchen Cupboard appeared that
survived in the destroyed building after the bombing in Borodianka settlement.
розділ 16 · chapter 16
Gradually, we accumulated a whole collection of various surviving cupboards or fragments of destroyed buildings. As a symbol of our surviving life alongside the destroyed one. And in place of these “holes,” people began to create creative artifacts or objects – contemporary folk art – as if mending the holes: from very simple ones like memes, photos, drawings, fairy tales, or short stories, to truly complex works of art, like those you saw at the very beginning of our webinar today. People collect these stories, tell them, illustrate them.
Gradually we accumulated a whole collection of different surviving cupboards or fragments
of buildings that had been destroyed. As a symbol of our life that has survived alongside the one that
has been destroyed. And in the place of these “holes” people began to make creative artifacts or
creative objects – contemporary folk creativity, – as if mending the holes: from very simple ones, like
memes, photos, drawings or fairy-tales and short stories to very sophisticated real art masterpieces
that you saw today at the very beginning of our webinar. People collect these stories, tell them, and
illustrate them.
розділ 17 · chapter 17
The Cat, the Rooster, and the Cupboard is a story by Oleksandr Mykhed. It is the story of one family that begins during World War II and extends to the current war. “The Cat, the Rooster, and the Cupboard are like fairy-tale characters, yet at the same time very real – rescued and preserved in Borodianka near Kyiv, which was destroyed by Russian shelling. Ready to fight and warn of danger, in this fairy tale they protect the universe of one family – grandmother Liza, uncle Andrii, and granddaughter Sonia – a family that cyclically experiences history generation after generation and ultimately becomes stronger than ever. The Cupboard, warmed by the warmth of grandfather's hands, the Rooster given as a holiday gift, and the rescued Cat embody strength and indomitability, protect the family, and give hope. This is hope for a future where wounds will be healed, but the memory of the evil done will live on for centuries. In the future, after our victory.”
The Cat, the Rooster, and the Cupboard is a story by Olexandr Mikhed. This is a history of
one family that begins during World War Two and reaches today’s war. “The Cat, the Rooster, and the Cupboard
are like fairy tale characters, but at the same time, very real – they were rescued and preserved in an
almost destroyed by Russian shelling Borodianka near Kyiv. Ready to fight and warn of danger, in this fairy
tale, they protect the universe of one family – grandmother Liza, uncle Andrii and granddaughter Sonia – a
family that cycles through history from generation to generation and, in the end, becomes stronger than
ever. The Cupboard, warmed by the warmth of grandfather's hands, the Rooster, that was given as a holiday
present, and the rescued Cat embody strength and invincibility, protect the family and give hope. This is
hope for the future, in which the wounds will be healed, but the memory of the evil committed will live
through the ages. In the future, after our victory”.
розділ 18 · chapter 18
In many drawings, the Souls of perished animals or children are painted in blue – as a symbol of the Soul's rebirth. Animals symbolize human nature, feelings, sensitivity. The dog that survives when the human dies. Because during war, the human dies. What remains is the natural. The Phoenix cat passed through the trial of fire but was then reborn.
In many pictures The Souls of perished animals or children are painted with blue colours –
as a symbol of the rebirth of the Soul. Animals symbolize the nature of a human being, feelings,
sensitivity. The dog who survived when what is human dies. Because during the war the human dies. The
natural remains. When the cat Phoenix went through the test of fire, but then rose again.
розділ 19 · chapter 19
The Rooster is a completely different creature. In this story, it symbolizes our inner voice that is supposed to warn us of danger. But it hadn't been used for too long, so it couldn't. Because this family didn't like change. But at the same time, it is the Rooster who announces that even the darkest night comes to an end.
The rooster is a totally different creature. In this story he symbolizes our inner voice
that has to warn us of danger. But he hadn’t been used for such a long time and hence he wasn’t able to
do it. Because in this family they didn’t like change. But at the same time it is the Rooster who
informs us that even the darkest night ends.
розділ 20 · chapter 20
It symbolizes Mercury, who moves, changes, destroys, and is reborn. Mercury is a master of change and humor. Unlike the Cupboard, which hangs in there and remains unchanged. As if we are balancing between awareness of the complete destruction of our lives and attempts to keep everything/at least something as it was; between the necessity for change and the need for stability. A terrible, real process of transformation that is happening to all of us right now.
He symbolizes Mercury, that moves, changes, destroys and gets reborn. Mercury is a master
of change and humour. Unlike the Cupboard that hangs in there, remaining immutable. As if we balance
between the awareness of total destruction of our life and our attempts to make sure that everything/at
least something stays the way it used to be; between the necessity for change and the need for
stability. A horrible real process of transformation that is happening with all of us right now.
розділ 21 · chapter 21
And finally, a little more about Witches. I was very surprised at first when, in response to my call to send images that symbolize the grieving process for you, I received a large number of songs, music videos, drawings, and stories about Witches. “It will happen to you, enemy, as the Witch says.”
And a little more about Witches. First I was very surprised when to my invitation to send
images associated with the process of grieving, I received a lot of songs, videos, drawings, and stories
about Witches. “Whatever the witch says, will happen to you, enemy”.
розділ 22 · chapter 22
My meetings with Verena and my supervisor, Martin Skala, helped me better understand how this connects to the grieving process. How helplessness and powerlessness transform into omnipotence, strength, and ruthlessness. Because often the witch is someone who has lost a lot, sometimes everything. Therefore, she fears nothing anymore. Every specific Witch has her own story. And it is usually about losses. And the final loss is the loss of faith. Faith in justice, above all. In a certain sense, we can imagine that such a Witch lives within, or wakes up from time to time in, every Ukrainian woman. Or even that all of Ukraine turns into a Witch from time to time. When we become Witches, it is hard to recognize the defender in her.
My meetings with Verena and my supervisor, Martin Skala, helped me understand how it was
connected with the grieving process. How helplessness turns into omnipotence, power and mercilessness.
Because a witch is the one who has actually lost a lot, sometimes everything. And that’s why she is not
afraid of anything anymore. Every Witch has her own story; and usually it is about losses. And the final
loss is the loss of faith; first of all the faith in justice. In a certain sense we can imagine that
such a Witch either lives or wakes up from time to time in every Ukrainian woman now. Or that the whole
of Ukraine is a Witch in a way. And once we turn into a Witch it is difficult to recognize in her the
one who is protecting herself.
розділ 23 · chapter 23
An example of turning into a Witch that is familiar to us all is the story of Demeter, when Hades abducted her daughter and Zeus betrayed her. Demeter was greatly outraged by such double betrayal. Dressed in dark clothes, for nine days, aware of nothing, thinking of nothing, the great goddess Demeter wandered the earth, shedding tears. She withdrew into herself and stopped giving love and warmth outward. And the world sank into depression. Life on earth froze, the earth ceased to bear fruit, and famine spread everywhere. Demeter wandered like this for a long time, and nothing could console her.
An example of turning into a Witch that we all know is the story of Demeter, when Hades
abducted her daughter, and Zeus betrayed her. Demeter was infuriated by such double betrayal. For nine
days, dressed in dark clothes, being unaware, not thinking about anything, the great goddess Demeter was
roaming the earth shedding tears. She withdrew and stopped giving love and warmth to the outside. And
the world sunk into depression. Life on earth stood still, the land became barren, and famine ravaged
the earth. Demeter was wandering like that for a long time and nothing could console her.
розділ 24 · chapter 24
Finally, Demeter came to the city of Eleusis disguised as an old woman. First, she wanted to make the king's son Demophon immortal by placing him in fire. But the queen saw and prevented Demeter from doing this to her son. The queen was only human, so transformation through fire was unbearable for her. Because transformation through fire-war is unbearable for a human being.
Finally, Demeter came to the city of Eleusis disguised as an old woman. First, she wanted
to make the king’s son Demophon immortal by wrapping him with fire. But the queen saw that and didn’t
allow Demeter to do it to her son. The queen was only human, hence the transformation through fire was
unbearable to her. Because the transformation through fire-war is unbearable for a human being.
розділ 25 · chapter 25
Making the king's son immortal through fire was an inhuman strategy to begin with. Then Demeter devised transformation through the rebirth of wheat. And that was something that could be endured. Demeter taught the second son of King Celeus, Triptolemus, to cultivate the land. And in this way, she gave us hope for renewal.
To make the king’s son immortal through fire was an inhuman strategy to begin with. Then
Demeter came up with the idea of transformation through the revival of wheat. And that was something
that one could bear. Demeter taught another son of Celeus, Triptolemus, to cultivate soil. This way she
gave us hope for renewal.
розділ 26 · chapter 26
Demeter is an archetypal figure. And the Queen is so human, for whom literal transformation through fire is unbearable, but symbolic transformation is entirely acceptable. I hope that we, each of us, will also find our own way to recover.
Demeter is an archetypal figure. And the queen is so human that for her the literal
transformation through fire is unbearable, but the symbolic transformation is totally acceptable. I hope
that we, each of us, will also find our own way of renewal.
розділ 27 · chapter 27
There was supposed to be a symbolic interpretation here, but I'm struggling with that right now. It turned into some moralizing, which is useless at the moment. When you are in real danger, it's sometimes hard to symbolize. The goddess offered us two ways of restoring or preserving ourselves. The first is renewal through achieving immortality. “Heroes don't die,” we often hear. “Yes, they do, so many have already died,” comes the reply. The second is renewal through rebirth. This is where the moralizing appeared, so I'll leave it unanswered for now. Perhaps there should be something here about Love, about what never dies, about a little fir tree that wanted to see the world and be useful.
There was supposed to be a symbolic interpretation here, but it's not easy for me at the
moment. It sounded like moralizing, but there is no need for that now. When you are in real danger, it
becomes difficult to symbolize. The goddess offered us two ways of renewal or preservation of ourselves. The
first one is the renewal through gaining immortality. “Heroes don't die” – we often hear. “They do die, so
many have died already” – comes the response. The second one is the renewal through revival. This is where
moralizing appeared, so for now I’ll leave it without an answer. Maybe there should be something here about
Love, about that which can never die, about a small fir-tree that wanted to see the world and be useful.
розділ 28 · chapter 28
Thank you all very much for your attention and for the contribution of each person present here to our victory. Thank you to the Armed Forces of Ukraine for making it possible to live and speak here.
I am very grateful to everyone for your attention and for the contribution of each person
present here to our victory. I am grateful to the Armed Forces of Ukraine for making it possible to live
and speak here.
healing in stories